By the Time I Looked Down, There Was No Longer Any Ground Beneath My Feet

You know that feeling when you’re constantly moving with purpose, chasing that goal you set for yourself so long ago. Once you reach it, you finally look down and see that there is nothing left holding you up, and everything that you had thought was important has been left behind. I think in my own hubris at times I fashion myself a champion of sorts, Prometheus, who gave man fire. I feel as if the last four years of my life have been spent chasing the ghosts of the people with whom I aspired to stand shoulder to shoulder. I don’t know whether or not all of the tribulations I’ve inflicted upon myself in these pursuits were ever the correct decisions; perhaps I would have been a happier and more fulfilled individual without them.

My Own Aimless Pursuit of Purpose

Looking back, I can see I was far more lost then, though no less aimless than I feel now. These four years at university have left me with one main takeaway obvious in hindsight, yet difficult to swallow: purpose is a moving target. I look back at my high school self and see a boy searching for belonging, trying to distance himself from his own identity by surrendering to hedonism, always chasing the next high, regardless of the source. Yet, I emerged from that period as someone who had begun to value long-term fulfillment. In a way, I experienced the inverse of the paradox of hedonism: by finally seeking something ‘meaningful’, I find myself grappling with a new kind of emptiness. This isn’t at all to say that I didn’t continue on with my hedonistic tendencies. I spent the better portion of the first 2 years of college indulging myself, though with more restraint than previously.

As I was drifting at the beginning of university, I was surrounded by peers who appeared to be far more certain in what they wanted out of life. They all seemed to have a plan for how they were going to achieve everything. Everything seemed to be quite matter-of-fact for them. I think being around them was the first time I had ever felt a semblance of purpose. If they were my peers and they had all of these goals, dreams, and aspirations, why not me? I’m quite thankful to my peers; without them, I have no idea where I would be currently.

Spending these last few years playing catch-up has given me more freedom and purpose than I could have ever dreamed of. Ambition is a social contagion that I am grateful for catching.

Standing Shoulder to Shoulder with Giants

Being where I am now, reaching the heights I once gazed up at with envy and longing, it’s honestly far too quiet for my own liking. You spend years on a crusade, running from victory to victory, never allowing yourself to get comfortable because those you look up to are always so far ahead. Yet, once you arrive at the summit and look around, you realize these giants are just people. They are filled with flaws, dreams, and the same discontent I once thought was unsuitable for someone of their stature. I realized then that the pedestal I built for them was really just a cage I built for myself. Standing at the precipice, I find myself holding a funeral for the people that we all were. All this time spent talking, and dreaming, then finally achieving it all, that innocence spent like currency, and no one to bill it.

Memento Mori

Remember, you must die. This phrase has been lingering in my mind for a while now, though it has become far more prominent in the last year. With this current chapter of my life coming to an end, I have finally had to face the question of what’s truly next: Who do I desire to be? How can I leave any semblance of impact on the world? I think one of my greatest shortcomings is the importance I place on legacy. The idea of being forgotten terrifies me in a way I can never fully express through writing. I hope to spend the next few years chasing the clarity necessary to understand what my legacy will be. I hope the ego, the arrogance, and the unwillingness to yield that pushed me here still have somewhere to go.

Maybe that’s enough for now, not the summit, not the legacy, just the fire in my hands and the nerve to keep passing it forward.